Muji Calender

For 2 years, I had bought Muji Calenders and D.I.Y some decorations on them and gave it to Him. But He doesn't seemed really appreciative judging from His response.
He said if I didn't give the calender to Him, He will just use the Men's Health calender.
But still, I do miss doing it for Him.

I hope one day, I could find someone who will be overwhemled by My D.I.Y Muji Calender.

I am still thinking what is the best way to spend tomorrow that will hurt Me the least.

I asked KS if He wants to go countdown at CWP. Apparently, I think there will be fireworks.

I remembered, there was one year, I can't remember if it's National Day or New Year's Eve, We watched fireworks with Emmeline and Jaron at Marina.

On the way home earlier, the stage for tomorrow's countdown has been done and there were people doing sound test. On the big board on the stage splashed "GRC", apparently the only word that caught my attention. It is not that I wanted to be reminded of Him but things happening around ME is not doing ME any favour.

If only,things didn't happened the way it happened, I probably would be planning what We should do for our coming anniversary.

Somehow, Someday, I will be fine.
Just don't know when.

"Fried Rice"

I still remembered the way how He would purposely say "Fried Rice" in the most coffeshop style.

He is not faithful.

I was going through this year calendar before I throw it away.

Jan, we celebrated our anniversary.
Mar, We went for a weekend getaway.
May, He went Taiwan for His reservist.
July, We went Batam for my birthday.
Oct, the regrettable Japan trip which was never meant to be Me going with Him.
Nov, We ended our relationship.
Dec, I spent the first Christmas and New Year without Him after 4 Christmas and New Year with Him.

2010 ended just like that.

Dear God, take it that I'm begging you. Please save Me.
It still hurts.

Sartha commented today that I had crossed the first hurdle. Christmas.
She said, the next would be New Year and Anniversary.

The other end of the world.
Is there really such a place.
Bring Me there.

If only memories can be like physical items.
You can throw them away.
I got rid of the things He gave Me.

But, I am still unable to get rid of Him from Me.
But, I am recovering. Everyone thinks so. I think so too.
Except for those days when my heart gets to over rule my mind.
I will slip into depressed mode.
Today is one such day.

Sartha said We cannot erase memories. It will always be there.
Either clearer or blurer.
But we can create new memories.

Peck Sia said the day will come when anything related to Him will no longer make Me feel anything.

He can re-establish contact with His first girlfriend now.
Well, if He was really honest that they didn't keep in contact after I made a fuss about what happened.

His first girlfriend should be laughing at Me now. I kept Him from Her.
But lost Him to someone else.

How ironic isn't it.

There is an expiry for everything.
Even Love.

He has big ears.
I have big ears too.
He used to say that if we have kids, they will have big ears too.

Now, He doesn't have to worry about that.

I have never denied my incapability, that I couldn't keep the man I loved with Me.

Spent 4 years plus trying to stay together, to make a relationship work.
But only need afew days to end this relationship.

Does anyone knows how does it feels like when the person you love told you that He is not sure about you anymore?

No words can describe that feeling.
You could only wished that you could tear yourself apart.

In the last stage, I complained that He wasn't giving Me enough attention.
He claimed it was because I wanted more from Him than before that was why I felt it was not enough.
He claimed He was still giving the same amount.

How could He be giving Me the same amount when He has to split His all for Me and Her.
I didn't want more. I just wanted what's Mine back.

Or rather, nothings Mine in the first place.

I told Him before that if one day He were to like somebody else, He has to be honest with Me and tell Me.
He said ok.
He didn't keep His word.

He made Me a fool.
Is He happy doing that? He would say No.
But He did made Me a fool.
Case closed.

I remembered telling Him that I loved Him more than before. Does He love Me more than before.
He kept quiet.

I have always believed that it is a miracle that 2 people could come together and fall in love. Considering that there are millions of people out there and fate simply choose to bring these 2 people, of all the millions, together. Does anyone knows how much work fate has to do? I believe it's huge work.

For all the hurt and pain this love has done to Me, I wished that I had never fallen in love with Him.

I thanked fate for bringing Me and Him together.
We should have remained as friends in the first place.
Only then I could have keep Him with Me forever.
What I have lost is not just someone I loved, a piece of my life but also a friend.

白色巨塔 The Hospital

白色巨塔 The Hospital
This taiwanese drama, was aired during the weekends that time. We would watch it whenever We could and We will discuss about it after that.

There was this one time, He wanted to ask Me if I had watched the drama.
He wanted to type 医院 but He got it wrongly.
医院 is the direct translation of the English title.
I wondered if He knows the Chinese title is called 白色巨塔.

I was preparing greeting cards to be sent out to the respective organisations.
Came across this particular organisation, People's Association.

I have to admit, till now, I had unknowingly paused for 5 seconds.

Everytime I came across this particular addressee, I will quickly brushed it aside and moved on to the next.

时间会让你了解爱情，
时间能够证明爱情，
也能够把爱推翻。
没有一种悲伤是不能被时间减轻的

Happiness

He has to be happy. She has to be happy.
They both, have to be happy together.

Because, their happiness is at the expense of my happiness.

I didn't touch the Japan tibits or biscuits that I bought home.
Japan is never going to be the same for Me again.

It is too hurtful to talk about.
It is too hurtful to visit again.
It is too hurtful to even recall it.

Japan Autumn 2010 is not about Him and Me.
Japan Autumn 2010 is all about Him and Her.

Taboo

I could still remember how well We played taboo together. I used to dread playing taboo.
But not with Him. I do like playing taboo with Him.
I guess this is what people would call 默契.

I had always thought that If there were to be a day when We had to go our separate ways, it will be due to our religion issues.
It is better that We ended because He no longer loves Me.
It is easier for Me to let go.
At the very least, God didn't abandon Me.
Because God knows, if not this way, I would probably spend the rest of my life pinning for Him.

All I want is to have someone who can love Me, love only Me and have only Me forever.
Why is this so difficult.
Reality is such that there is no forever?
I want to believe in forever.

There are alot of things that I can compromise and tolerate. It doesn't matter to Me if my partner earn lesser, less educated or whatsoever.
Infidelity is the only thing I couldn't tolerate.
Because I believe if one truly loves the other, they would never do anything to hurt the ones they love.

He is very smart. He never said He will love Me forever.
He only said He will love Me as long as He can.

I was sick over the weekend. I literally lost my voice.
But I didn't want to rest. I went out everyday. Because I know staying at home certainly will not do Me any good.

While out, I was so afraid that I might bump into Him.
I choose places that He probably won't go and avoid places that He might go.

All this while, I keep asking God not to let Me bump into either Him or Her on the streets. Or worse, both of them together.

I remembered asking everyone, would He miss Me.
Their replies are all the same. He won't miss Me because He has Her.
Ying said He probably is busy making Christmas cards or things for Her.
Sartha said even if He does miss Me, it is only because things didn't work out for the both of them.
Siaw Hui said, now He can eat ice- cream or even do anything with Her as He likes even till day break.

Right. He has got to be very happy now.
Nobody blackmails Him now.
He can do what He wants with Her now.
He can do what He wants for Her now.

It is a relief for Him.
He doesn't have to cook up excuses when He do or buy things for Her.
He can do everything for Her openly.

March and August 2011

I managed to cross the first hurdle. Christmas.

Christmas Eve was with KS and Zhipeng. Zhipeng wanted to watch a movie after our Christmas lunch and gift exchange. I had to find reasons to avoid because I don't know if I am ready yet. Especially it was Christmas Eve. I eventually managed to convince him to do something else instead.

Christmas day was with KS and Ying Ying. Ying Ying was so sweet to keep Christmas day for me. We did a gift exchange and Hi-tea in Ritz Carlton.
I know Christmas Day, would be the day He would have His friends Christmas gathering. I know it is no longer my concern but throughout the day it occured to Me if He went alone or with Her.

I bought 2 gifts from Japan. One was meant for His friends Christmas gathering and the other with KS and company.

However, there was some changes, the gift meant for His friends Christmas gathering had to be used for Zhipeng's gift exchange. Maybe this is what we call predestined.

The next hurdle will be new year.

He was holding my hand in Japan but She was in His mind and heart.
How humiliating and pathetic I was, isn't it.

He said I took Him for granted.
He said He was too safe for Me.
He said He don't want to let Me get what I want.
He said I blackmailed Him when all I asked of Him is not to go out with only a female in the wee hours.

No man in this world would say these mean and heartless things to their girlfriends.
Or rather, when He said these mean things to Me, He had not regard Me as his girlfriend already but I didn't know.

爱，本来就该独一无二

He could only love Me for 4 years. Maybe lesser. I don't know.
He is a weak person.
He is not disciplined.
He is not committed.

He succumbed to temptations.

I was clearing my sent folder in my email. I realised I didn't cleared this folder that day when I deleted all His related emails.
I chanced upon an email I sent Him for His birthday in 2008.

In the email, I said He will have 2 presents and that was the first present.
I did a slideshow about Him.

I remembered, His comment was that the slideshow was too short.
He is a greedy person.

The first time He hold My hand was in the train...He sent Me home.

I was dumped.
He fell out of love with Me.

I told Sartha I have a plan.

To flood my cubicle on 13th Jan 2011.
To walk blindfolded on 14th Feb 2011.

Hopefully, I pray to God that, when 11th Nov 2011 comes, I would have healed.

11th Nov 2011

11th Nov 2011 is the date that He said He wanted to get married on.
He said He wanted a dragon baby.
Just recently, He claimed He forgot about 11th Nov 2011.

This date holds a special meaning to Me.
Most of my office passwords is this combination.
I have changed them all.

13th Jan 2006

13th Jan 2006 was the day We got together.

That night, He sent Me home. We chatted opposite my block.
The next morning, He messaged Me.
I replied back telling Him, I don't know why I keep smiling to Myself.

I remembered that Monday.
I was crying terribly and asked my mom to help me too, ask God to bring Him back to Me.

How foolish isn't it.
God won't bring Him back to Me.
Because He was not meant to be Mine.

I know I shouldn't be like this.
I hate yishun.
I really hate yishun.

That last new year's eve..before We were together. I remembered I went over to Ruby's place together with Sartha for dinner. He messaged Me but couldn't really get Me because mobile communicating was suffering a slowdown due to massive SMS traffic.

We met and He took Me to see fireworks. I don't really know what's the place called but I know it's at Telok Blangah park where We had to climb a bit up hill. Was it that night that We were caught in the rain. We stopped at Yishun Mrt where He got Me a hot chocolate but ended up, He was the one who finished it.

We moved on and seeked shelter at a petrol station in yishun. We chatted there and I remembered He asked Us to say something that We do not know of each other about.

He later sent Me home and that time was the first time He touched my hand because I was cold while traveling back on His bike.

This was one of the reason why I couldn't swallow that He sent Her home in the rain and They waited under Her block till wee hours for the rain to lighten.

When He told Me this, I was awfully jealous. I felt I was overthrown.
This kind of sweet moments should only be shared between Me and Him.
Not Him with some other girl.

It was just last year Christmas Eve that He surprised Me with a Christmas tree in my room.
My mum actually foiled His plan.

Till now, I couldn't comprehend how His feelings and love for Me could change just within a year.
Sartha said this is life.
So, this is what love is all about.

When the yishun dam incident was uncovered by Me, I did ask Him if He wants to give each other a chance to make our decision again. To have somebody who is more suited for Him. But He asked Me not to be silly and said He was in with Me. He said He didn't know our relationship is this fragile.

He was the one who made our love fragile. All along, I was the one who was in. Not Him.

Of all things, love and feelings are two which is most unpredictable in this world.
There are policies for savings, death, illness to secure yourself.
But nobody would sell a policy for love and feelings because the odds are way too high.
Or rather, impossible.

I should have know when He bought the Muji stapler for His Miss Tan.
He likes to impress others.

Roti Prata and Satay

I haven't eat roti prata and satay since I came back from Japan. He was supposed to bring Me for those.

I couldn't bring myself to eat them still.

He took Me for granted.

I don't need anybody to fill up the gap He left.

Dear God,
I want to fall in love again.
I want to love and to be loved back.
I want to love that somebody only and that somebody will love me only too.
I want to be that somebody's priority.
I want to be part of that somebody's life.
I want to be appreciated for who I am and what I do.
I don't want to be taken for granted.

Forever.

He lied through His teeth.

He wasn't the man of my dreams but I loved Him and wanted to be with Him.
That was Love.

I put myself down, just for Him.

I just discovered that HEI Sushi is halal.
There is a cafe in Arab street which is halal too.

Why didn't I discovered these earlier.

He used to type and print out all the SMSs that I sent Him.
When was the last time He did that.
I forget. Because it was too long ago.

He care about His own feelings more than Mine.

I did made an attempt to protect my love.

I told and cautioned Him to draw a line across between His so called BFF.
He refused to listen to Me.

It takes two hands to clap.
So what if I want to protect Our relationship.
It won't work because He doesn't want to protect our relationship.

It would have been perfect.
He was my first love and could have been my only love.

I know I don't want to marry anyone else except Him.
I know He can marry anyone, it doesn't have to be Me.

I hate Him.

Everything was perfect in My life. He just has to screw up this one chapter of My life.
The most important chapter to Me.

I really thought We would be together and spend the rest of our lives together. I was too naive.
It was a waste. A regretable waste. For what We have gone through together, the closeness and the intimacy that We have established together. It was all shattered just because of Him.

Will I be able to establish this closeness and intimacy with another Man.
Will I fall in love like 4 years ago. Like the way how I fall for Him.

I am not crying. The tears simply just flow down my cheeks by themselves.

My heartache, nobody can understand.
Nobody knows how badly wounded I am.

I was awaken by a terrible dream. I dreamt of Him.
He came with a woman and told Me that They are in love.

He said our relationship has turned bland. The sparks are gone.
I was reduced to tears saying if our relationship has lost it's sparks or things have become routine, He have to tell Me and We can always work hard and find Our love back. How could He simply just go and love someone else.

He left Me with a card He made. I forgot what's the content about.

I told Him before, my love for Him is bigger than the universe.

He loves Himself more than He loves Me.

He is a selfish and self-centered person.

When We were arguing and I was crying in Japan, He said He wished He was back in Singapore. If He had not booked the Disneyland tickets, He said He will not go Disneyland the next day.
He is more concern about Disneyland than Me.

It totally broke my heart to hear Him said that.
Yes, i did thought if only We were back in Singapore. But i did not say it out because I know how hurtful it can be.
I know He has a terrible mouth but I didn't know He is this cruel and heartless.

If He still have love for Me, He would not have said those mean things to Me.

Of all the people I asked from all ages, single or married, guy or girl finds that it is not right and acceptable to go out late in the wee hours of the opposite sex when one is attached.

He finds it ok to do so. When I asked if He would be ok if I were to go out with a guy till the wee hours, He said He is fine with that.
Know why He is fine with Me going out till the wee hours with a guy?
He wants to do it. He wants to be able to go out till the wee hours with Her.
He simply wants to satisfy His own desires and totally disregard my feelings.

If He at least care about Me, He wouldn't have said He is ok with Me to be out with another guy till the wee hours.

He played with fire.
But I was the one who got burnt.

He abused Trust.

A blessing in disguise

Sartha tells me that God is trying to tell me something.
At the time when I decided that I want to convert and marry Him,
At the time when I thought We could be even closer,

This happened. Coincidental or fated.
Sartha said God pulled the brakes for me before I make all the wrong decisions and ended up worse than now.
Because God knows, any worse than now, I will not be able to take it.

I had wanted Us to get married on 12 Dec 2012.

Siaw Hui 's bag was in the coach overhead cabin on e way back from KL. As she was sitting inside, I offered to help her take her bag.
She wasn't too keen with me helping her get her bag. She was worried that it might be too heavy for me and I might drop the bag on someone else's head.

I said, from now, I have to carry my own bags and suitcases cause I have no one to help me carry anymore.

I dun sleep early nowadays. I dun eat as much as I do nowadays.

My brother was right. He said you exhaust yourself and eventually you wil fall asleep.
These weeks, I have been trying to exhaust myself so that when I hit the pillows, it will take me less than 10mins to fall asleep.

Mornings are what I feared most. When one wakes up in the morning, it is when one will be most sober.
This is also will be the time when reality will hit me hardest. Every morning, over and over again.

He has sweaty palms though I do comment about it before.
But it was never an issue to Me.

I stand to about His shoulder. At times, I will put my nose to whichever I can reach just to smell Him. Or rather, smell His shirt.

Has anybody cry to sleep and cry to wake up before.

I did.
A word of caution, don't ever try it.

He refused to let me see the messages She sent Him, claiming that my imagination will run wild.

It is because there is something, that was why He refused to let me see.

He has everything to hide from Me.

He used to let me know His handphone password. But not during that critical few weeks. I should have realised then that something wasn't right already.

Was I too stupid or I just choose to trust Him.

One of my biggest mistakes, was to trust Him wholeheartedly just because He said a relationship without trust is very difficult to go on.

Humiliation and Shame were what He put me through.

He bought a Hello Kitty keychain at Hard Rock. Probably He bought that to impress Her or gave it to Her but told me He wanted it.
Or, She has influenced Him to like Hello Kitty too.

Every Hello Kitty shop that We walked past, He would go in and look around, searching for that particular character that She likes.
How stupid was I to brushed these off and naively bluff myself with the excuses He gave me.

I have to swallow all of these and more just because I believed and trusted Him.
Yes, I did stoop this low for Him.

Hand Cream

I didn't even dare take out my hand cream to use after I came back from japan.

He knows She uses Crabtree and Evelyn's hand cream. But He doesn't know that I uses Loccatine's hand cream.
He said because He didn't see me use so He doesn't know.

The fact is, He only cares about what hand cream She uses. But not Me.

I want to take up scrap booking again. Went to the shop, only to see the things that we saw in japan. The cow paper clips that He thought of buying for Her, because She is born in the year of Ox.

This is enough to suffocate me.

One of my biggest mistakes, is to underestimate how much I love Him.

Love

Will I be able to love again?
Or rather, will God give me a second chance at love?

God, can you pls send someone who will only love and have only me forever.
God, pls, let me believe in love again like I onced did.

I keep asking myself what could be the best punishment that God could give Him.

Not to have anyone who would love Him as much as I do for the rest of His life.

The point is He would rather love than to be loved.

He would rather love Her than to be loved by Me.

I remembered during that time, He said it was because He has never has any close female friend that's why I am overreacting.

Yes. The first time He has a close female friend, He fell for Her and left Me.

Sartha asked me to come up with a list of things, places that would remind me of Him and Her so that she will avoid saying infront of me.

I started listing to her and she told me that I might as well relocate out of Singapore instead.

I need to get a new cardigan. I have one in mind from Mango. But Sartha suggested buying from Zara instead. But I said I couldn't. He bought a Zara sweater for me before.

While lunch, Sartha asked why are there so many people queuing for bubble tea, is it that nice. I replied saying I love bubble tea. He and I used to buy bubble tea when we watch movie. Most of the time we would choose passionfruit milk tea.

Spent the last 2 weekends in KL and Malacca. Coincidentally, the two hotels that I stayed in was the best hotels I have ever stayed before. I thought He would love the hotels as well too.

Pockets

I have been trying to find pants, skirts or dresses that has pockets.

Because nobody will be holding my hands already. I just kinda forget where else to put my hands other than in His.

The only way is to tucked it into pockets.

He probably would have watched Harry Porter with Her already. Or maybe more than that.

Till now, I still couldn't step into a cinema.

Simplicity

2 years ago, I remembered Him saying He is a Simple Man with Simple Needs all the time.

He hasn't said this in a long while.

Because He wasn't the same He with Simple Needs anymore.

He wasn't the same He whom I fell in love with 4 years ago. I should have realised it.

All along, I am the Simple Woman with Simple Needs. Not Him.

Tokyo Disneyland

I thought, We both had great fun in Disneyland. But that is only my own wishful thinking.

He was not there with me at Disneyland.

I was there, all alone.

再一次拥有

我想念去年的冬天
下着雪的的那一夜
你给的温柔
紧握的双手
温暖整个寒冬

失去了曾经的拥有
在你离开以后
带走了笑容只留下寂寞
忘了幸福是什么

没有你的夜特别的漆黑
只能闭上双眼去感觉
没有我的夜谁在你身边
代替了你的从前

失去了曾经的拥有
在你离开以后
带走了笑容
只留下寂寞
忘了幸福是什么

没有你的夜特别的漆黑
只能闭上双眼去感觉
没有我的夜谁在你身边
代替了你的从前

能不能再听一次你说爱我
回到还在你怀里的时候
能不能让我再一次拥有
曾属于我的温柔

能不能让我再一次拥有
曾属于我的温柔

He said I don't know how to fly a kite. The fact is that He doesn't want to be the kite in my hands, to be fly by me.

I knew that the string was slowly coming out from my hand so all I wanted was to grap it tighter.

His heart wasn't with me anymore so whatever I do just simply couldn't bring him close to me anymore.

He didn't want me when all I wanted was Him.

Someone wrote on Facebook that how long u spent loving a person, you will need the equal amount of time to forget this person. I, spend close to 5 years loving Him, that means I will need another 5 years to forget Him?

That would be too much for me to bear.
Took train wif Ying Ying earlier and the train terminates at Yishun without us knowing it. When I was told to alight at Yishun and wait for the next train, this is enough to make me breathless.

I hate Crabtree and Evelyn, Agnes B, Yishun, Yishun Dam, Awfully chocolate, Icing Room, Thomson, Toa Payoh, Hello KItty and family and cow.

The Dark Knight

I was listening to The Dark Knight soundtrack while showering just now.

We watched The Dark Knight on one of my birthdays. That day, we both took leave.I remembered we had Burger King Breakfast.

On my birthdays, there will always be a complimentary full body massage from Him.

Have I claimed mine this year. I can't remember.

Grinding Teeth

My Mum has been sleeping with me. I cannot stand a second being alone. If I am alone, I have to be on Ipod.

She complains that I been grinding my teeth real loud. She says what if your future husband complains that I grind my teeth.

I said, if it's Him, I wouldn't have this problem cause He grinds His teeth too. This statement was returned with a stare from my Mum.

How come He didn't know I grind my teeth all this while.

I have always wanted to record down Him grinding His teeth but failed to.

I miss Him grinding His teeth beside me.

I am here pinning for Him, mourning over the loss of Him and our relationship.
He must be there, happily and enjoying His time with Her.

Misery

I am feeling very miserable today. I know I miss Him very much.

If Only, He didn't fall for Her, We could still be together and would be celebrating our 5th year anniversary next month. He made me go through shit, hell and pain which was unbearable.

But I still miss Him badly.

I couldn't cry out anymore cause I cannot afford to let people get more worried for me.

Please God, if you want to put me through this, please then, give me the strength to go through this.

You cannot turn back the clock for me. At the very least have a little mercy on me and fastforward the clock for me.

Spending the weekend in KL. Siaw Hui was buying chewing gum for her friend. As she was choosing and paying for her bottle of chewing gum, I stood there tossing and turning the bottles of chewing gum in a daze. Just a few months back in August, I had that honour of buying chewing gum for him as his gf. Few months later, I have lost this privilege.

Siaw hui's friend drove us to similar of KL's City Hall. Went to a food area which is Halal and populated by the Muslims. After we finishes our desert and walked towards the car, Siaw hui asked if I felt anything being there. I replied yes. It came across my mind how nice it would be I could bring him here next time and share with him this place. I felt lonely and lost there.

To aggravate matters, it was pouring. So is my heart.

Yesterday had wanton noodles for lunch. After we finished, Sartha said " you have to learn to eat pork again". Then I looked at my bowl, I have left e char siew behind without realising it.

Medicine

If there is ever a tablet for memory loss or even just for short-term forgetfulness, I will use all that I have to buy it.

Sprite

Kheng Siang came over for dinner. Opened the fridge and found green tea for him. My Mum asked "got sprite leh" holding a brand new bottle of sprite. Then I said. He is the one who liked sprite. Kheng Siang drink green tea de.