Nothing.
Don't read into it.

"Heng Heng Enterprise"

Faithfulness is seriously underrated.

Is there any Man out there who would appreciate that their partners are faithful to them.

Is there any Man out there who would appreciate that their partners conduct themselves properly so as to make them feel assured.

Was it because I was too greedy.
Asking too much.

Compromise vs Sacrifice

Dear God, are You testing my patience or are You telling Me that there's nothing to look forward to.
Please enlighten Me.

But I would pray that it will go according to what I wish for.

God, can I ask You to grant Me what I wished for.
Please.

I know that was shortlived. But I was ecstatic neverthless.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

If I remembered correctly, He was supposed to fix this mirror for Me which I bought a year ago from Ikea. It took Him or rather Him and I a year and it was not even fixed.

It doesn't matter who was supposed or not supposed to fix it. He didn't promised Me that He will fix it either. Or does He. I can't remember.


Doesn't matter. I had it fixed now.

Thank you, God.

Dear God, could you please bestow Me a 3rd chance.
Please.

Eat, Pray and Love

13th Jan 2011

Its 13th Jan 2011.
Supposedly, 5th year anniversary.

The 5th year anniversary that did not come.

Sartha said she is going to combine my cushions and hers and throw one at Me for every passing hour to make sure I am sound.
I am going to make Myself very busy tomorrow. Or rather, I am rather busy.
CCAs, the tables, filing of agreements will make Me busy the whole day.

Will God give Me another anniversary to celebrate?
Is it really true that "if it's meant to be , it's meant to be".
"You can't find love. Love will find you."

True. I can't possibly find love.
Because I don't know what's love anymore.
Let alone find it.

Can I believe that love will once again find Me one day.
At least believing, there is hope.

Hope.
It's a term that pathetic people use to console themselves.

Sartha watched Love and Other Drugs.
She forbidden Me from watching.
I asked what if I go alone. Would it be better. She replied it would be worse for Me.

She told Me about the movie.
I simply told Her, if We were still together, We will catch it.

Truth overrides Assumptions.

So I see. A part of Me hope I'm wrong.
He is worried that She might get hurt from assumptions.
He is concerned that Her image would be tarnished.
Nobody cares how She is like.
Don't worry. Nobody badmouth about Her.
I know who created the mess.
Whichever is no longer important.

" "I love you"
takes 3 seconds to say,
3 hours to explain
and a lifetime to prove."

It does occur to Me.
I do love Him very much. More than I expected. Or He would have imagined.
But not enough to forgive Him.

I have always know what I want.

Justice

I can give Him His justice back. If He wants.

Everyone, We split is because our love is over.
He strayed because I am not doing a good job as His girlfriend.
I am not good enough for Him.
We are not compatible.
He deserves someone better suited for Him.
I deserves someone better suited for Me.

We were just not meant to be.

I didn't say all these in a fit of anger. I mean it. Really.

Since that Sunday, he did not showed that He wanted Me.
I remembered telling Him that the ball is in His court. And He said He knows.
That was even before He admitted that He strayed.
He asked for time. He just casted Me aside asking for time. What does this leaves Me.
Anyways, He was the one who said He is not sure about Me anymore.

After He answered My question, I blew up. After I hang up, I went on to msn, in fact to look for Him.
He said his battery flat, He could have asked Me to wait for Him to get home and call Me back as soon as possible and explained.
He did not showed that He was eager to explained things to Me.
He didn't showed He wanted Me.

He too, admitted He is selfish.

When I said I checked on Him and He got fed up. All He offered was a sorry. That was the most worthless sorry anyone could say to another.

If He knew He wanted Me, why would He still need to ask for time.
Does He think He is being fair to Me.

He has no right to cry for justice.

If I were Him, I will offer to quit my job to prove my sincerity.
Anyways, He complained about His job all the time.
But He would never do that. He is a realistic person.
It just goes to show how much you want that person. How much are you willing to give up for that person.

You can always get a new job but you can never get back the one you love.

Actions prove louder than words.

I will just take it that I am not good enough for Him.
He is not satisified with Me.

It doesn't matter who said what.
I was the one who spent the past 4 years with Him. I should know better How He is like. Or do I ?
I thought I do but after this, I realised I don't.

I have been reminiscing all about Us in the past and the things He did during Our happy times all the while, till now.
He certainly didn't think of all these when He strayed.

I feel unjust for all My friends. They said what they said because they know I have not wake up and they want to wake Me up.
They want Me to stop harboring hope.
It is because they have seen what and how I am like, this period.

The things they said could have happen even it might not have. I don't know.
Even though it did not happen, it cannot be used as His defense. So, if it happens.

The only thing I know, a man who has strayed and didn't make Me His pripority cannot be kept anymore.
Even though some said I am going to be alone for the rest of My life.

If My mum hasn't cry, begging Me to stop crying, I would have gone blind.

Ying says my favorite story books is Enid Blyton.
Fairytales.

Technically speaking, everyone is on His side.
They told Me all man strayed. Just a matter of time. Face it.

I remembered He said He strayed but it is not as if He was with someone else.
You mean straying itself is not destructive enough.

I had never dream that He would hurt Me.

One of the reasons why I fell so badly is because I had never dream that He would strayed.

Nobody's at fault.
His love for Me just run out.
It's just a choice game.

If I had not try to move on, I would probably disappoint everybody.
Which I cannot afford to.
The toughest times, I would tell myself, at the very least, for those who pulled Me out from my lowest point in life.

That is why I said He has to go through what I go through.
Only then, He will know how it feels like.

He still has not realised how much hurt He has done.

Yes. He answered My one question honestly.
I thank Him for being honest. I have to thank Him because the last Sunday We were still together, He was not honest when I asked Him.
I am grateful to Him for not making Me a fool any longer.

The only reason if He hasn't moved on is only because She is not there for Him yet.

She is not a hypocrite.
She did not take sides.
Of all people, she is the fairest. She told Me repeatly No one is at fault.
She just stood by Me as my friend. She was the one who calmed Me down when I started smashing things.


He should know better what is hypocrisy.

No assumptions will make Me or anyone feel better.

I was forced to move on. I wasn't given any choice. He made Me move on.

He still did not put himself in my shoes.
He is still selfish. He still cares about Himself more than anything.

He still hasn't realised what He has done.

There's Gong Cha in Orchard Central. I'm so hooked to their milk tea with herbal jelly lately.
I haven't drink Sweet Talk for ages. Largely because the one in CWP was closed.
I only ate 1/4 of my lunch today so I thought a Gong Cha might fill my stomach instead.

Just as Sartha and I stepped into Orchard Central, the Singapore Mint is having a fair for their Rabbit theme coins.
God, no doubt, is being cruel to Me.
I have been pretty unstable the past few days and HE just has to let Me see this.
He used to give Singapore Mint's CNY theme Coins to my parents as Chinese New Year's gift.

Now I know why I had a strong urge for Gong Cha today.
Everything does happens for a reason.

The times when We watched movies.
After the lights were dimmed.
I would say to Him " kuai dian, kiss wo xian"

Resort World Sentosa

Mr Yeo was asking Me how to get to Resort World Sentosa by public transport.
Resort World Sentosa, I had wanted to go with Him.
I thought We could have go after We came back from Japan.

Love and other drugs.
If only We were still together, it would be on the list of Our to watch movies.
Now, I don't know who I can ask to watch this with.

I don't understand.
I didn't hurt anyone but why do people want to hurt Me.

伤得太重了,不太知到该如何站起来.

Think vs Miss

What is the difference between thinking of and missing?
I don't really know.
But I know, now I miss Him.
Alright. I will allow myself to consciously miss Him, but only for now.
Though, most of the time, I miss Him unconsciously.

Lakehouse

Lakehouse in Cameron.
We had wanted to go.
Never did.

I could still remember the times I kissed His face.
I loved to kiss all over His whole face.
I had always wanted to cover His face with my sailva.
His eyes, especially, was my favourite.

Saw

KS came over for dinner earlier.
He mentioned about the movie Saw.

I remembered He was the one who introduced Me to Saw. We have watched a few of it.
I would usually cover my eyes at the most horrifiying scenes.

8 Days

How long have I not buy 8 Days.
Yes. I still couldn't bring myself to buy them or read them.

I think nobody would be as screwed as Me.

Met Siaw Hui yesterday.

She asked Me, so now, after awhile, have I calmed down.
I replied yes. I did.

I told her I could control my emotions now better than it was initally. But honestly, I would still think of Him every single day. But I will try to keep myself occupied with stuff. I would blog almost everyday. When I blog out, I felt better.
There are good and bad days. Those bad days, I will look for KS or Ying to keep Me company. I will exhaust myself and fall asleep before I can slip into depressed mode. Work days mornings are easier. Because I will be rushing like mad to get ready.
I told her, I am basically emptying My love for Him day by day, bit by bit. Sometimes, filling with hatred.

But I told her, the fact is that We didn't had a chance to thrash stuff out. But Siaw Hui said she was the representative.

But actually, I thought to Myself, the very moment He admited He likes Her, there is nothing for US to say anymore. Whatever I say or He say is pointless.

Everything's Over.

Siaw Hui said He can now, have the world's time that He claimed He need. He can now have the world's time to train the new bies. That includes Her.
I said He should be happily going to work everyday. Because She will be there.

Siaw Hui asked Me, from the breakup till now, how long has it been.
I said it's been a month plus. But it feels longer than that to Me.

Well, it is indeed true that people say when you are happy, time seems to pass by faster. When you are miserable, every minute is like an hour to you.
It's true. I can vouch for that.
It was living hell for Me and I believe more hell days ahead. But I also believe in between these hell days, there will be a few days where I can see rainbow.

I told Siaw Hui, I have a clear conscious in this relationship. I did try my best to protect my love. But it won't work if He allows Himself to go to Her. I warned Him, I cautioned Him, I explained to Him, I cried, I tried My best to do things for Him. I trusted Him. But He appeared untrustworthy. And He indeed is. He was busy at work, I let Him be. He said I was clingy and needy. Yes. I admit. Because I know He was drifting away from Me. So I wanted to make my presence felt. I needed affirmation that We were still We.

Till that very last Sunday before We parted ways, I brought apples and wrapped it for Him to have a healthy snack in office. But He wasn't amazed by that at all.
It's true that when the person no longer loves you, whatever you do, it will not make them feel anything. That sunday, I tried to put on mascara. I told Him I just wanted to try mascara out. The fact was that, I just wanted Him to look at Me again. Really look at Me again. Look at the woman He onced loved.
Yes, I was this pathetic. I didn't tell anyone this. Because I was ashamed that I had to resort to this to have my boyfriend look at Me again.

Whatever I did was pointless. He was not with Me already.

Love is a beautiful thing but people have to stain it with their own selfish desires.

Iphone 4

The 1st weekend without Him, I traded in my E71 to Iphone4.
I needed a change. Believe it or not, although I deleted all His messages in E71, whenever I hold it in my hands, I would be reminded of Him.
E71 has to go.

I believe a new phone will keep Me busy and entertained.

I went to M1 without even backing up any of my files or contacts. I just wanted to change my phone. No matter what.
Well, actually, I didn't thought that my contacts will be gone because I didn't know that I will have to change my SIM card as well because Iphone has to work on Data Plan.
Data Plan = New Sim Card

That Sunday, I was terribly screwed. Screwed beyond words. The first Sun without Him in my life. Whatever the retailer says, I agreed.

She asked Me if I had backup my files. I replied that there is nothing important in there. Contacts? Whatever.

When I reached home, I realised there was no way to get back my contacts even though I still hold on to my old SIM card. Because the new SIM card with Data Plan has been activiated at the shop and the old SIM was deactivated immediately.

When I sat down at Home, the only two numbers I could remember and had memorised by heart are only my house number and His handphone number.

My house number has changed because of changes to plan.
Now, I could only remember only one person's number. That is still His.
Yes. Till Now.

I told my Mum this last night on bed. Yes, I still need her to sleep with Me. Though she would go back to her own bed when my dad left for work. But I didn't tell her that waking up is worse than falling asleep.

She said "He probably has changed His number. Go to sleep. The most important number you have to starting memorising now is MY number."

He talked about living with restrictions. With regards to His religion.
He live with restrictions but that doesn't mold Him into somebody of great character.

I didn't live with restrictions like He did.
But I think I turned out well.

At the very least, I am not like Him. And I'm glad.

New Year's Eve

Yes. Another hurdle crossed. New Year's Eve.
Maybe it wasn't that bad afterall. It's all because of the people around Me.

Yesterday was half-day at work. Ying asked Me out to lunch before heading home. So She, KS and Me went for lunch and followed by another round of la~ tea at CWP till 7pm. I am so relived when we just laugh and talk cock and time really flies.

KS didn't have any activities either so He followed Me home before heading out together for a 11.30pm movie.
Yes, yesterday was the first time I caught a movie after the break-up.

It wasn't an awful experience but it wasn't an fabulous experience either.
Yes,I thought about Him like 70% of the time in the theatre. The movie wasn't that fantastic so it was not helping matters either.

As We were walking back, I would silently thought to Myself how did He spent New Year's Eve. Maybe with Her.

I am still screwed up, always thinking about Him but I am defintely making improvements. Ying thinks I am doing very well. Only KS is harsher with Me. He expects Me to be better than this. But I told Him, if I could heal that fast then the past 4years was all made up of fake feelings. It was real so it hurts, so it needs time.